The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs

At Edinburgh's Department of Environmental Health, hard-drinking, womanising officer Danny Skinner wants to uncover secrets: 'the bedroom secrets of the master chefs', secrets he believes might just help him understand his self-destructive impulses. But the arrival of the virginal, model-railway enthusiast Brian Kibby at the department provokes an uncharacteristic response in Skinner, and threatens to throw his mission off course. Consumed by loathing for his nemesis, Skinner enacts a curse, and when Kibby contracts a horrific and debilitating mystery virus, Skinner understands that their destinies are supernaturally bound, and he is faced with a terrible dilemma.


We know that our bodies are temples og God and are to be clean so that the Holy Ghost may dwell within us. Masturbation is a sinful habit. Although it is not physically harmful unless practised in the extreme it robs one of the spirit and creates guilt and emotional stress. It is self-centred and secretive and in no way expresses the proper use of procreative power given to man to fulfill eternal purposes. It seperates a person from God and defeats the gospel plan. Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been and you can be also if you determine it must be so. This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice and when you make that decision the problem will be greatly reduced at once. But it must be more than a hope or a wish, more than knowing that it is good for you. It must actually be a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind that you will be cured, then you will have the strength to resist any thendancies that you may have and any temptations which might come to you.


Irvine Welsh is in a class of his own...[his books have] a seething life in them that rivets attention and an inventiveness with story and language that continually amuses and amazes”

- Guardian

“It is an exquisitely paced black comedy. It has clever and funny things to say. There was a rumour that Welsh's last novel, Porno was to be his last. You'll be glad it wasn't”

- Evening Standard

“Flickers with the dynamism, black humour and imaginative bravado that is Welsh at his best”

- Financial Times

Irvine's Comment

"I sort of discovered last week in America, that I really like this book very much. I was over in the USA to promote it on the tour, and I was gobsmacked as to how powerful it sounded and how well it went down, a year on. After the hardback tour, the paperback tour is usually 'sloppy seconds' - you're fed up with the book by then. In this case though, I was finding a lot in Bedroom Secrets, and having great fun with it. So I now think it's one of the best I've done so far, although I'm pretty biased."
The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs